"Profound title phrase"

i've got nothing to say.

now i do

if you didn't know it, i'm single again. for like 11 months now. i don't care or anything now, it's just that the date i was going to get married just passed and all that. couple ripples of melancholy and i'm off thinking about when the next season of big bang theory is coming on. i watched 3 seasons of how i met your mother when i stumbled across it on the computer last week. one of the chicks ted dates reminded me of my favorite ex. made me happy i didn't get married.

so no i'm not where i want to be in life, but i'm moving in that general direction. i know what i want to do and i'm in the process of aligning my finances to reach that goal. college, here i come.

Unfortunately, I couldn't call friday night's dinner a date. She's not ready to date yet but I do believe it went well. As much as I want to say we talked so long that we missed the movie, she had studying to do and wouldn't have made it anyhow. An hour and a half conversation and I still don't know what music she listens to.

Funny, I met her 2 weeks before my ex did to me what I've done to someone else. My karma has served me full well. When I met her, what I thought was "What a shame that I won't get to know this girl since I'm taken and all". Well what do you know? 2 weeks later I'm free and wondering where she is. 2 months later i finally see her back in my store and ask her where shes been all this time.

She's not ready to date and I'm not rushing into things but but a dinner conversation lasting and hour and a half has got to be a good sign. till then, i'm watching the big bang theory.

i dont know why i cant trust people on taste. wait. yes i do. i perceive things from a different perspective. musically, i'm distrusting. physical touch is different, not in a wierd way, but i'm colder or at least i perceive temperature as colder than others do. i can't even smell something without wonders what influences my preference. i'm somebody on a different wavelength than everyone else. so when people suggest things to me, i'm reluctant at best.

i'm bad at typing now. my focus is gone.

all my TTU friends are graduating in a couple of weeks. im not going to their graduation. what sucks is i still feel smarter than them. my ego is bloated, i know. my situation in life has me tied. i'd start cutting ropes if i wasn't hopelessly in love. i'm not moving forward unless she's by my side and she can't yet. don't get me wrong, i'm still sawing a bunch of the ropes so once she's cut free herself, we can run away at the same time. we still dont even have a picture together. she is the reason for my ego.

also. i need therapy. psychological therapy. in the far fetched case that i get arrested and news corp tries smearing the untried again, it's not that i'm crazy. i've been called brilliant a lot. i'm skeptical because i know brilliance and i'm not that smart. or am i just lazy? but it's the depression that i slip into that i need a therapist for. nothing is more confidential than that is it? it's the depression. it's digging into my soul, or the section of my mind in which the nerve receptors of my heart reside. i want to destroy and destroy and destroy until my girl, my queen is at my side. then, when theres nothing to destroy, we'll share the rebuilding of the world. i'll build it in that way we wanted our house to be decorated when our date was the furniture store. oriental beteljuician. red wall building against which and red vs. black paint balloon fights took place. meaningful graffiti stencilled in big letters in paragraphs recounting stories of love and struggle all over. no gray concrete walls.

i'm developing a twist. maybe i'm twisting everything in my own bent image. pandora radio's 'nsync channel i've rigged to play prodigy. hanson channel is playing garbage. my wait for her is at 8 months yet it's got 13 more to go. don't think it gets easier or i get used to it. i will say that this relationship has turned my claustrophobic acts in relationships inside out. i feel backwards and inside out. mathematically, i. that's right, i. i feel like i. i squared is and am -1. squared again to make 1. so one backward (negative) and insideout (square root) is i. sounds about like me

Patriotism is a much larger part of American culture these days. Especially this election year. I once was ready to rid myself of nations in general, being sick of hearing about how fantastic and right we the United States always seemed to be. Measuring patriotism by those who were patriotic, I grew to hate it all. Reading Zinn's 'People's History of the United States' just made it worse. I saw patriots as people that believe if their country messed up, it was Ok and if it was an international issue, the other country can accept it as reality or be considered a rogue nation. I grew to hate all of America.

Last year around June, I read in the Tennessean about Vermonters trying to secede from the US and immediately jumped on board with that cause. Support had risen to 13% due to corruption and other various legitimate reasons as their case. I started doing research and came across Ron Paul while I was off some tangent.  Dr. Paul saw errors in the system, the same ones I saw. He even pointed out new ones. Being an Independant at best, I was still in no mood to vote for a Republican. Nevertheless, I was intrigued as I found that he voted against the Iraq War and against the PATRIOT ACT. After I watched a republican debate where Dr Paul owned Guliani's soul via the constitution, I was with him all the way. With the Democrats ignoring the constitution altogether and the Republicans all using it as cannon fodder, Paul was the only one the stood out.

Shortly thereafter, I immersed myself in books regarding US foreign policy over the past 60 years. Paul had given Guilani a list of books to read on why his city and our nation had been attacked. It seemed the Mayor didn't care to research and felt it easier to go with the rhetoric and further war propaganda.

I'm just gunna go back to talking about how I really feel about situations I'm in. The whole inspired communication only works if it's inspiring someone else to blog. I've been pretty pissed lately. My insurance doubled in cost so I decided that the best way to ease stress was to go spend a lot of money. I just bought 23 books today. They include "The God Delusion", "Fast Food Nation", "Freakonomics", "The 9/11 Commission Report", "Blowback", "Reefer Madness", "Blackwater", "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy", "Big Trouble", "Zombie Survival Guide", "Battle Royale", and "Eco-Freaks" to name a few. Before I start reading any of them, I much finish Congo, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and Disclosure.

Earlier this week, I bought more clothes. That was a first in quite some time. ok i'm tired. night

I don't know what to do. I can't smell you or hear you or see you. The only way I know I'm not single is seeing how many girls want me. That only happens when they can't have me. I won't have them but I can't have you. You have no phone, no internet, and no car.  476 days remain and I just feel hopeless.

I wouldn't be mad at Emo kids if they had has valid a reason to be sad as I. I hate them more because they cry without feeling pain. I just realized that I wouldn't want just anyone to read this. I wish I knew how you felt

I  start back up front Sunday. That's great news but it isn't all. Yesterday, Cody took Glenda upstairs because she did an impersonation of Beth. She reached her arm around him and escorted him to the front. Last night, 5 people including myself gathered around and pooled our intelligence on Cody and realized that he's a far greater snitch than anybody gave him credit for. Mr. Brown is furious with him and none of us believe he has very much time left at Kroger. Les is actually trying to help get rid him. I talked to Mr. Cox about being trained as floor supervisor so I can get some leadership skills out of working there.

I ran out of food for Luci. All she has is what's in her bowl. It was a large amount that I poured in the bowl so I think it will last her until Friday when I get my check. Speaking of check's, I'll be getting my income tax return in the next week or two. Last year, I had them do a speedy return thing and I got the money the next day. That works well because of all the money I'm having to raise over the next 2 months. I only owe Ben two months rent before we move out in April. Well, that plus utilities.

From there, I'm moving into Rick's house. That's where I'll be living when I pick you up. And then, that's where you'll be living. It's a small house but it's kinda cozy. I've known that house since I was 7. It's fitting that I should live there for a while. Realistically, I'll have to take some courses and get some type of degree before we can move to Japan but we will as soon as we can. By the way, I love you and have fun at school.

Yours always
Pretty Boi

You don't like this idea. I don't know how long I'll keep doing this. I can't communicate but they didn't forbid inspiration. So what if my blog inspires you to type? So what if your entries inspire me to type. This is untraceable. Virtual love letters minus the inbox. If i literally wrote you a letter but never sent it, I wouldn't get in trouble. This is no different. The legal way to beat the system. Like a post-it stuck in a library book, only the 2 of us can possibly know how this works. But you don't want to do this. You'd rather talk on the phone. Why else do you have one? It was for us wasn't it? Your first phone was busted. Now we have a communication ban. Then let us not communicate. Let us inspire. I can not go into farther detail about why we should do this without getting into mushy sentimental feelings (real as they are, i wish to only have you melt over me when i can feel you doing so). I love you, babe. I'll continue to type these regardless of whether or not they inspire you to type yourself.

Yours always,
Pretty boi

 Should I start from here and now or july 27th? I'm not sure how it happened or when, but at some point, my life took the script of chick flick. I'll start as I return from college in 2005.

After goofing off and sheer laziness resulted completely failing my freshman year, save the English II class, I returned home to live with my frustrated parents. I was now the official black sheep of my family. Setting out to find a job to raise money for a come-back was easy since my brother and a friend of 15 years already landed one at UPS, getting me in there was as solid as their good reputations there. Still, it was a part time job and I bore quickly. It just happened that I got a girlfriend within a month of getting home. She was nothing to me. And a waste of time. The sole purpose of dating her was to finally be in an official relationship. I was 20 and she was the first girl I dated. I felt bad for her, too. My mom pointed out to for how much the girl adored me. Then I felt worse. 3 weeks in and I was plotting on how to cleanly get out. I wanted it to be a mutual thing, breaking up.

It took 3 more weeks for me to just give up and say "I can't. Not with you. Not anymore." But I didn't say it like that. I did it in a myspace message. We can't all start out perfect but that was just bad. Not just that, I worded it so innocently and sweetly. I wasn't sure I wanted to go out with anyone after that. I was not good at financing back then and ended up quiting UPS for a promising job at the Lebanon Dell plant. The Spherion guy Marcello talked me into it. I wanted the Nashville plant. It was the hours I wanted. I aimed to shut out my personal life in order to get back to college. Shortly after started, I got to better know a girl with which I was only acquainted via the internet. Smart girls with full personalities are my krytonite and so I, in all my boredom and skewed view of romance, started an online auction for a date with me. I couldn't tell her I wanted her to win, that would be defeating the purpose. She bid first though. The winner was a friend I had sabotage the auction so nobody else would win. So I started dating again. Unfortunately, we broke it off. It was good and we both still liked each other but it ended.

During this time, I had quit Dell. The job wasn't worth it's weight in gas. I had some great laughs there and don't hate the place, but didn't like chewing up my paycheck just to earn another one. I started back at Kroger. March 8th. Home sweet home. This time it was different, I was more mature. I handled the job with more enthusiasm. 

Ok fast forward. I'm tired and this can be filled in.

By May 07, I'm tired of most of the people I work with. I've tried forcing myself to love someone I liked. I'm still sorry about that by the way. Rectangular peg and square hole have to be more compatible than having the same angles. So convinced that I'm to wonder the earth single for a lifetime, I decide that I'm non-exclusive... by choice as opposed to fate. And so comes a new day at kroger that I have to train a newbie how to bag.

We're immediately hitting on each other. She's this short, foreign chick. Totally emo, but forgivably emo. I'm just hoping she's 18 or close to it. But I can't ask. But she asks my age. I'm already 22, I wish i wasn't. So does she, she was hoping I was like 17 or something. Which is the perfect way to ask her age. But at that point, I don't need to. I felt bad hitting on a 16 year old.

Over the next few weeks, I get another full time job and I'm working 75-80 hours a week between the 2 jobs. On June 22nd we put my dog down. To me, he's been gone since I had to pull him out of the creek a month prior. Joan, the 16 year old, gets to hug me shortly there afterwards and we're talking on the phone at this point. She's illegal and I'm not exclusive. That's a chainlink fence constructed of barbed wire. By mid-july, I can't even count how many times she's asked me out. To make her chill out about it, I say yes this one time. After this, I'm not sure if I'm convincing her or myself that I'm non-exclusive. By August 19, we're both worn down and give out. She asks me out and I tell her to give me one more week to decide. That was Sunday. Monday, I say yes. 

i'm sorry it's 3 am, i need to sleep in my cold big house. will update

The story spreads so fast that by the next day, I'm having to spread rumors that we actually just broke up. She gets wind of this from somebody else and thinks I just dumped her in the shittiest way possible for the shittiest reason possible. I don't love her but I feel her pain. She loves me and I (from her vantage point) just dumped her via word of mouth. She talks me out of it, or i talk myself out of it. i'm not sure which. a month later, after breaking my promise to never again try to break up with her, i realize that i love her back. I realized this because i had to fight to reverse my mistake.

i don't remember or dont have time to type every detail but on dec 17, i almost lost her for good. since then, the story has really just been too complicated to explain but as of jan 10, joan and i are forbidden to communicate with each other until the day of her 18th birthday. May 28, 2009.

501 days as of now.

it's hard. i don't know how to deal with it. i'm paying for her phone yet we can't use it due to risk of confiscation.

i know how to communicate with her via public journal but she's much of one for the internet.

i love her enough to wait, but how can i not be around her. i'm terrified her parents are gunna do some arranged marriage bullshit like they had. some things are worse than not being wanted. forbidden love is one of them.

here on out, this livejournal is primarily for joan's eyes. she probably wont see it but i'm going to set it up to ride straight through the loopholes.

Joan isn't forbidden from browsing the internet and reading blogs, nor is she banned from posting public blogs on how some blogs make her feel. This is probably the most romantic thing i've ever done. while thats not saying very much to any past girlfriends, Joan is the only girl I've actually taken the time to be romantic with. Like Adam eating the apple too so Eve won't take all the punishment, this is romantic in it's own way.